Viewing my stammer through a lens of active listening

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Benita

Benita D'Souza shares what has helped her to think differently about her speech, and encourages people to think about the power of listening.

Hello everyone! My name is Benita, I'm 24, I'm originally from India and I have been living in the UK for the last three years. I have struggled with a stammer for the majority of my life. I've definitely inherited this beautiful gene from my family because both of my parents stammer, and I have close relatives who stammer too. Throughout my childhood, teenage years and early adulthood, I felt that my stammer prevented me from fitting in and allowing me to be my authentic self.

Unhealthy early childhood experiences at school, at home and in society, undoubtedly laid the foundation for these core beliefs. I remember how school teachers would deliberately choose me to read out a chapter of a book in front of everyone, even though they knew how hard that was for me. Naturally, I would encounter difficulties in such situations, leading to laughter from other students. Instead of making reasonable adjustments for me, my teachers ridiculed me in front of the class, and I felt embarrassed. It was challenging for me to make friends, and even though I often knew the answers in class, I held back and did not raise my hand to avoid further shame and misunderstandings.

I felt that my stammer prevented me from fitting in and allowing me to be my authentic self.

Even nowadays, and in the UK, stuttering is still often seen as a barrier to communication because the speech is disfluent and consists of involuntary blocks, repetitions, prolongations, body movements, etc.

Seeing my stammer as normal

Four years ago, I began my journey to becoming a qualified social worker, and one of my social work professors in India was one of the first people to empathise with me and help me reshape how I view my stammer. After all those years when I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me, I felt relieved and encouraged, and I began questioning my core beliefs and tried to view my stammer with a smile rather than a frown.

Below are some thoughts that have helped me in the last few years to view my stammer as an enrichment to my life rather than a flaw, challenging the beliefs I had grown up with.

Knowing that you are being heard and listened to without judgement is incredibly reassuring that it's OK to stammer. 

What if I saw stammering as normal rather than abnormal? Could I perhaps view my stammer as a kind opportunity to transform the way society listens and connects with me? Expecting the listener to stay mindful, calm and compassionate is crucial in our struggle to express ourselves at our own pace and complete our statements. It is a two-way process.

The power of listening

As a person who stammers, to be truly heard and listened to is definitely an empowering experience. It acknowledges the value and worth of the blocks, repetitions, prolongations and words that come out of one's mouth. We live in a society that's fast-paced and believes that being fluent is the only way to speak or sound. Maybe we can make an effort to broaden our wisdom and knowledge, and understand that someone who stammers can teach us patience and empathy. It challenges us to slow down and tune into the message rather than getting stuck into how it's delivered. 

Listening also has the power to change the narrative around stammering. Instead of seeing it as a flaw or abnormality, we can start to see it as a unique way of speaking that carries its own rhythm, grace and courage. When we offer a kind space and time to someone who stammers, we are not just hearing their words; we are honouring their courage, effort and humanity. Saying my first name frequently presents a struggle, a common experience among people who stammer, and leaves us vulnerable in social situations. I recall instances where the person I've spoken to showed patience and kindness, fostering a sense of respect and understanding in me.

Knowing that you are being heard and listened to without judgement is incredibly reassuring that it's OK to stammer. It offers a space for us to be our authentic selves, express ourselves effectively, and be free from the pressure to conform to the world of fluency. This helps build confidence, reduce anxiety and foster genuine connections.

Therefore, the next time you engage in conversation with someone who stammers, endeavour to recall the significance of active listening. Allow them to speak at their own pace; listen with your eyes and heart rather than just your ears. As a result, you will realise the profound impact that genuine listening has on both the speaker and yourself.

My journey with my stammer turned out to be a life-changing discovery and an unforeseen realisation after viewing my stammer through a lens of active listening.

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