Breaking barriers with my stammer

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Rusha

Rusha Chowdhury tells us how fantasy fiction and finding community transformed her mindset on stammering, and how she's using Instagram to share her experiences.

I have stammered pretty much all my life. Amongst my family there are stories about how I started stammering. While some say that it appeared by some diabolical force, others believe that I got it from watching a traumatic horror movie when I was a kid. More than my lived experience, people around me seem to have taken greater experience in the inception of my stammer — as if a possible cure hides somewhere within the shadowy origins of my dysfluency. I myself like to roll with the horror movie story (of course, with irony and edge), endowing it with the status of a threshold between my mundane self and how I came into the possession of this superpower called stammering.

Jokes aside, growing up with a stammer for me has been a terribly isolating experience. Back in school, I did have friends but most of that companionship came with mockery, pity and condescension. My fear of speaking prevented me from socialising and expanding my circle. Even within that circle, I was the silent one, dwelling in her own shadow. Fear controlled my mind and body from the moment I stepped into school until I got back home at the end of each day. For the longest time, I thought this heavy weight that I felt around my chest was the natural way of being. Perhaps, I felt, the heart was supposed to feel heavy with the burden of fear, anxiety and shame. 

Until, that was, I realised otherwise.

My escape

Since I had difficulty fitting in, I found my world in fantasy and sci-fi books about fantastic lands, myths and legends, post-apocalyptic worlds and so-called misfits. It was a world I could escape to. This world did not have picture-perfect people. On the contrary, the characters were deeply flawed in the eyes of the 'norm'. Especially with Percy Jackson, I identified deeply with the fact that disabilities made people unique. I, too, started thinking that my stammering made me a demigod eligible for Camp Half-Blood. That is how I came to derive strength from the world-building of speculative fiction.

Learning that I have a right to be different got me through much in my life. Whenever I faced snide remarks from people, I thought to myself that these moments are a part of a hero's journey. That, one day, I would rise above them, and take my place in this world! For, if my favourite book heroes could, what could possibly stop me?

Finding my community

Fast-forward to university, I finally found community in friends and professors who truly understood me, were curious about my stammering, and pushed me to be my best self every day. The first time I started seeing my stammering in a wholly different light was when a friend said to me, "Listen, you have to accept that you stammer. You cannot run from it. I'd suggest you RUN WITH IT".

And, I did.

I found my voice in academia and creative writing. With my training in culture theory, I wrote my Master's thesis on the gendering of the stammering subject in popular culture, media and society. This kickstarted my quest for academic inquiry into the place of stammering in society and culture. Post this, I have undertaken studies on literary and media representation of stammering earnestly. The more I engaged with stammering, faced it head-on, spoke about it and questioned the assumptions around it, the more comfortable I became.

In this journey, I also found my place in The Indian Stammering Association (TISA) where I have made the best of friends and acquaintances who empower me on a daily basis.

The more I engaged with stammering, faced it head-on, spoke about it and questioned the assumptions around it, the more comfortable I became. 

Amplifying my voice

Engaging thus far, I realised that my voice does matter. I also found several other voices proudly proclaiming their place in the world. In 2023, I decided to create an Instagram account, 'stutterspeak', solely to talk about stammering. Here, I sought to share my experiences, my art, writing and reflections. I was aware of the vibrant stammering community online and I wanted to connect with people, share my story and also learn from the journeys of my fellow stammerers. 

My social media space is also a platform that helps me reflect on my journey. With my Instagram account, I hope to amplify my voice further. I hope that non-stammerers get a glimpse of what real stammerers are like, thereby rethinking their preconceptions.

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Posts from Rusha Chowdhury's stammering Instagram account

Now, I am a Teaching Fellow with Teach For India, empowering students from low-income backgrounds. Herein, I found my purpose in piloting 'Project Equinox' along with my colleague, addressing neurodiversity within classroom spaces and expanding my horizons on what true inclusivity looks like in action. In the future, I wish to leverage my experiences to further pursue a PhD in Communication Sciences, with a focus on stammering and neurodiversity.

From my journey so far, I understand that accepting what we really are is perhaps the bravest, the most heroic thing we can do.

Follow Rusha, aka ru, the stutter faerie, on Instagram at @stutterspeak

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