Writing & recording the highs & lows of stammering

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Eve

Eve Jackson tells us why she's collecting experiences of people who stammer, and invites you to share yours.

I think most people who stammer have been told to "spit it out" at some point. It doesn't really matter whether someone says it jokingly — it still lands in the same place. It hurts.

Those memories of being laughed at, interrupted, talked over, or treated like I was slow or shy aren't exactly the highlights of my childhood and teenage years. Even now, as someone who feels proud to stammer and generally confident in myself, those moments still pop up when I least expect them. The flashbacks that ambush me when I'm trying to sleep, or when I'm in the shower, or waiting for the bus. Suddenly I'm thinking, "Why am I still not over that?"

Being creative, I wanted to own these memories and keep a record of them. Not to torture myself by re-reading all that trauma, but to see if somebody else might benefit from them. 

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Projecting our voices

Over the last couple of years, I've been attending an adult support group run by my local speech & language therapy team. It's only a couple of hours every few months, but honestly, it's powerful. Sitting in a room with people who get it — who understand the awkwardness, the frustration, the humour, the tiny victories — has been one of the most grounding things I've done. That sense of connection has carried me through so many moments when I've felt isolated as a stammerer. It's a reminder that even if the world doesn't always understand us, we understand each other.

I've thought for a long time how someone should try and write a book about all this... I decided that someone might as well be me.

Beginning to write my painful memories down and share them with the support group, I started wondering why my stammer had felt so difficult growing up, and which social systems, beliefs and behaviours had made this so. It was the people around me, not my stammer itself, that caused all that pain. 

What began as a few notes turned into a much bigger autobiographical project. I wrote about school, friendships, family, strangers and all the tiny interactions that had been built over the years. I'm only 22, but once I started writing, I realised just how much there was to say. My stammer had influenced my life far more than I'd ever admitted, and yet most people around me had no idea.

And honestly, it makes sense. How many people do we see in the media who stammer? How often do we see stammerers portrayed as anything other than comic relief, victims of bullying, or painfully shy characters with no agency? We do have some brilliant examples — shout out to Jessie on The Traitors — but beyond that, it's slim pickings. I can't really blame people for not understanding stammering when they've barely seen it represented. If nobody is talking about it, how can anyone appreciate the full picture — the frustrating bits, the funny bits, the empowering bits?

I've thought for a long time how someone should try and write a book about all this. Someone should project the voices of stammerers for all to hear. I decided that someone might as well be me. 

My invitation to you

I knew that my experiences alone were not enough. I am just one individual who otherwise lives a privileged life. I can't and wouldn't speak for all stammerers when the severity of our fluency, the self-confidence we experience, and the challenges we have faced differ so widely for so many reasons. 

That's why I need your help.

If I'm going to attempt a long-term project of promoting the highs and lows of being someone who stammers, and the potential that we all have to make the world a more patient and communicative place, I can't do this alone.

If we stay silent, nothing changes. 

I want to talk with lots of people who stammer — hopefully including you — about your experiences, opinions and messages for the future, so that I can put them onto the page to inspire the next generation of stammerers. I am planning to include an entire book chapter dedicated to 'What We Want You To Know', so that our opinions are out there — and perhaps heard by a great many people for the first time. 

If you're interested, I've put together a short Google Form you can fill in to register your interest, and I'll get in touch in whatever way works best for you.

This project is still in its early stages, so if you have questions, ideas or feedback, feel free to use the form to let me know.

I recently joined STAMMA's Youth Panel, and that's made me even more excited about connecting with the wider stammering community. In just a few months, I've heard so many thoughts, memories and tips from other young people who stammer. It feels like we've only scratched the surface of what it means to grow up with a speech difference, and I can't imagine how illuminating it would be to gather stories from so many others.

I've come to feel that every time we speak, we're quietly educating others and shifting how people see stammering. If we stay silent, nothing changes. I hope you'll join me in this project — and help turn our shared experiences into something meaningful.

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