It's not about speaking fluently for me now

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Petra

Petra Machovska tells us about her journey with stammering and how she's started to feel at peace with it.

I started stammering when I was three or four years old. In kindergarten, I remember not being able to say all the letters in the alphabet and words like other children. Otherwise it didn't bother me.

The first grade of elementary school was fine —  I read aloud and answered the teacher's questions when I was asked. As I got older I started stammering more. I didn't understand why I couldn't respond quickly and why I was afraid to ask questions.

By the sixth grade it was pretty hard for me to talk to classmates or even say hello. I often couldn't get a word out. I remember being afraid of buying bus tickets. And so I shut myself into my bubble where I experienced states of worthlessness, inferiority, frustration and failure. 

It shattered my idea of a great life without stammering. It hurt me a lot.

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, my parents and I went through many sessions with speech therapists, psychotherapists, alternative forms of treatment, etc. Nothing was successful for me because I wanted to eliminate my stammering completely. And that didn't happen. 

Treatment

When I was at college, I took a therapy course which was presented as a treatment for stammering. I had to watch myself and speak only when using a technique, which consisted of stretching syllables and prolonging sounds. In about six months I was speaking fluently. I thought that was great! I felt that the more I practised the technique, the sooner I could stop using it and just talk fluently. Finally! After such a long time, I'll get to live a 'normal' life, I thought.

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Petra

But then, after two years of speaking fluently, I stammered. I didn't know what was going on. So I started practising the technique I was given more and more. But I started to feel fear inside me, and I started to doubt the treatment. I avoided situations so that they wouldn't disturb my peace when I needed to speak, such as concerts, clubs and other noisy places. It started to affect my social life again. But the practising didn't help, which shattered my idea of a great life without stammering. It hurt me a lot.

Contemplation & quality of life

The situation led me to a place of deep contemplation within myself. I started to care a lot about my feelings and my fears, and I decided that I wanted to move towards acceptance of stammering. It was like a beautiful plaster that you rip off and there lies a wound that needs to be cleaned so it can heal. That's how I felt.

If I accept stammering as a part of me, and society sees me as being a confident person with a stammer, I believe it will have no problem accepting it. 

At that time I also became interested in my quality of life. About sleep, exercise, diet, and taking care of myself more. I found that thinking about how I feel physically affects how I feel about my speech. Building inner peace, meditation and yoga also helped me. It's a journey. It's not about speaking fluently for me now. It's about proudly embracing my stammer. I can play with stammering now, make fun of it, not take myself so seriously. I just stammer and I'm still on the road to acceptance. But I'm living a much fuller life than I was before.

Acceptance in society

I think there's a connection between how I feel about my stammer and how society sees it. If I accept it as a part of me, and society sees me as being a confident person with a stammer, I believe it will have no problem accepting it. 

But then I think about people with severe stammers. There were many times as a child when I couldn't control it and didn't know how to explain my feelings to society. The ignorance of others was crushing. That's why I care about stammering awareness now. It is little known and little talked about in my country, the Czech Republic. I would like to raise awareness of it because I believe that talking about stammering more can break down the barriers in society. 

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