I blocked. Account number not recognised, call ended.

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Hamish

To coincide with our End the Phone Call Nightmares campaign, Hamish Richardson shares a particularly painful encounter with an automated voice recognition system.

There are few things that unite all people (don’t worry, this isn’t a political piece), but one must be a contempt for automated phone systems. Stammer or not, trying to navigate the maze of confusing prompts, only to find yourself (if you’re lucky) eventually speaking with an unenthusiastic human ‘agent’ who probably can’t help with your reasonable request, is a painful experience. For those with a stammer, like myself, the experience comes with a certain extra jeopardy (if it wasn’t spicy enough already), in that you might block and not be understood. Game over.

Let me take you back to summer 2022. Covid-restrictions not a year behind us, I’m moving house. One of the many pains of moving is the long list of automated phone systems one has to navigate when closing gas, wifi and electricity accounts. I can’t recall which company it was (probably for the best, since I don’t like holding grudges), but the experience is seared into my memory.

Phone systems (particularly the automated variety) are painful and something I avoid at all cost.

Before the call I made sure I had my account number (all 10+ digits and letters of it) and various reference numbers at the ready. The start of the call went fine. Prompted to click a number on my phone keypad, I was on the right track and waiting to speak to an agent (a generous title… certainly not of the 007 variety). Having waited 40 minutes listening to painfully dull music, I was shocked awake by a voice trying to reach me… “Hi”, “Hello”, “Sir!?”. I had a silent block and narrowly missed a painful hang up by getting my own “Hi” out (probably shouted) in the nick of time. Close call. 

After chatting for a while, it became clear the agent was only able to take me so far. She was to pass me onto another department to finalise the admin. Fine. An hour in, we’re getting close. Rather than passing me to another human, I was faced with an automated AI system requesting that I clearly read out my account number. The final hurdle. Deploying some Jedi level breathwork, I was rattling the numbers and letters off clearly, and it was looking good. Coming down the home straight, I only had a few letters left when I knew I was going to block on the final one. On cue, I blocked. Game over. Account number not recognised, call ended.

Three years on, I see the funny side and have regaled this story to many a bored dinner party guest. However, at the time, I was fuming. I can’t remember what happened to that account but I wouldn't be surprised if I was still paying it.

Every person with a stammer is different and has different experiences with the world, including phones. For me, despite the odd block, I love a rambling voice note or long-story-long phone call with mates. Nevertheless, phone systems (particularly the automated variety) are painful and something I avoid at all cost. Thank God for the rise of online booking systems.

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